Horrible day

What a sad day weekend, and week right before Christmas. I cant even think how it would be like if it effected me more then seeing it on TV and hearing about it. These poor families, these kids who had to go through it. The officers and other people who had to see the after math. But these kids who where in the school, when this guy stormed in and start shooting these poor helpless children and teachers. All I can think about how can someone go into a school and shoot it up. You are 20 years old you should know right from wrong I dont care if you have mental problems. Its not hard knowing killing helpless people let alone kids. My thoughts and prayers are turned to the families who lost their loved ones yesterday. And the families who were effected by this sick horrible man. And to those people who are helping trying to find out what truly happened on the horrible day. I am grateful to know a couple people who are helping Newtown. I know they are the best people for the job and are there for a good reason.

Happy Birthday to my mommy

Today is my moms birthday she would be 58 today! Its hard to think that it was almost 13 years ago that she was taken from this life. I miss her more and more. She def was my best friend. We shared a lot of good memories in that short time I would never change them. Before I went to school all day we would come home and eat lunch, then we would go upstairs and lay down in her bed and watch Guiding Light, watching soaps started young. We would put on Celia Deon Because you loved me and sing our hearts out. She was the one who started my baking love. Maybe I love baking so much is because she is the one I would bake with sense I was super young.

I love facebook, finding people who you thought would always be in your life and a big part of it and then things happen and they arent. Finding them on facebook after a couple years after talking to them, and so so many years without seeing them. They never have left my heart nor my head. They will always be in my life no matter what because we have been through to much together. They were there for me through thick and thin in my life. I have missed them so much. I feel like I have found them when I truly needed them. when I needed someone from my past who knew my mom who are my family. She was my moms best friend she was the one who my mom would call and say I dont know what to wear and Peggy could tell her she knew what clothes my mom had. We would see each other at least every 3 months. They would talk on the phone forever prob everyday or close to that. Peggy out of everyone is def was/is my second mom. She always will be.out of everyone she is the only other person who held me like my mom did every time I needed it. Her boys were my other brothers and they sure did treat me like their sister, but they def treated me better then Greg at the time. They would make fun of me and tease me but they def were the sweetest boys I knew at the time.Now they have kids of their own. Where did the time go? What I do know is that they are prob amazing father and husbands. The youngest was the sweetest to me when I got badly hurt on a four wheeler. He knew I was okay from our mothers talking to each other but he had to call me himself to make sure I was okay. He prob is so embarrassed that I still remember and that I tell people. After years and years of not seeing them I can still remember the little things we have done. I can tell you from the main street in Vernal Utah how to get to their house. Yep I am that good.. I can tell you pretty much the layout in the house. The saddest part is that they don't live there anymore. One son still does and that fact I am not surprised. Brian he was the small town country boy sense I can remember. He loved the horses small town life. He always said he wouldn't move away from Vernal area. If he did I might be dead of a heart attack. the craziest things you can remember. Everyone has always told me how strong I am but I dont see what they do. I am not strong there are days where I am fine and it doesnt kill me every sec of the day that I cant talk to my mom that I cant call her up and ask for advise. Those times when I know that losing my mom was things are going to be okay. That my mom is in a better place. I always will know that and I do. Like everyone says we are all humans you go to that place hating everything before you realizing that its happening. I know my life is good I have amazing people in my life. That I am not always stuck in the past. One big wish I always have that I cant talk to my mom one more time. That I can see her beautiful face, get one more hug. and to hear her one last time that she loves me. If thats the only thing I would ever get in my life. I think I would be a okay with that....

Family

the end I of May my sister Cindy my brother Greg and my niece and I went to Utah to visit. It was my nieces first time on an airplane and the first time meeting my brother and sister in law and the three wonderful kids that they have. Also, to see the other family out there. It was great to see them all and to be there with my siblings. We havent been together like that in years. I wish that my other two sisters were there as well. I love my family as you can tell we dont know how to take serious pictures. haha I feel bad for everyone else because I have an amazing family. No matter what we are still close and we would do anything for one another. I dont talk to all my sibling all the the time but I do know that they are my biggest supporters that I have in my life right now! I am so grateful for them. Dont take your family for granted for you only get one family. the quote that says you chose your friends not your family. It is true but I feel that I did chose my family they were my first friends and my best friends. I know prob no one reads one. I love to get out.

So again I was thinking and I need to get it off my chest. There are some people in my life that I wish I could be them for a couple days and fix there lives. I bet some of my friends feel the same way about me as well. but one is one person I am not going to say name but I really wish I could be them for a couple days and then I would be so happy. This one person I love them to my core but the things they do bug me so badly. I know its their life so let them be but its really I have watch them over and over doing the same stuff I cant sit back to not say anything but I do.There are moment where I do say things I want to but its not like this person listens to me at all. I found I quote that fits perfectly If you change nothing, nothing will change. It is so true. They sat here one day and saying they wanted to change this thing but they didnt it went right back to the place where it wasnt healthy for either one of them. Its sad because I was laying in bed last night thinking about this and most people will think oh get over it your mad because they are moving on with life without you but thats not true. They moved one a little but its more like I am moving on with my life and they are pretty much where they were 4 years ago. It makes me sad about that I didnt see it tell now. They havent changed beside getting older and changing themselves. They have changed where one person going to be in life, but they do the same things sense we were in high school. Also, in a way I am moving on in life with out this amazing person not because its my choice but they are pushing me away. They have tended to push their friends away for this one person in their life thinking that is all they need. That relationship is the only relationship they need, and only one they need to work on. As the quote I put earlier they dont change anything so nothing in this relationnship changes. The fact of it I always in my head this will get better. They will be more in my life after this but its always after this after this. The thing is part of me is done with this relationship because I have nothing felt to give.But the rest of me I cant this person has been in my life for a long time we have been through a lot. but is it over? this persons not trying to stay in my life why should I be the only one trying?

my life

Its been crazy sense the last time I wrote.. I have been thinking about life and what is the most important to me and what I am looking for in my life. Things that I thought were super important are more fading out of my life some for the better. From everywhere I have been and still going I am ready to find out who I am to become the person that I have been trying to find for 21 years. Finding what I want in my life and what I dont need in my life. I know that there are things that have influence my life for the rest of it you cant change what have influenced me deep in my core. I wouldnt change what have happened in my life. There are days I wish I could go back to some days in my life where I knew I was the happiest those times I miss but I know I cant dwell on the past and I dont want to I am excited for the future but so scared. I dont know what is going to happen next but that is exciting to think what could happen. This might not make sense at all havent read it and prob wont before I push publish I could be in a different state within two weeks or I could still be here what am I going to do I dont know but I am excited to see what life has for me next.

I have the best people in my life who support and help and love me with everything I do!! My siblings are the best people i know!!! That they are here to support me and help me through my life, Most of them arent active in the church and yet all of them support me and my brother because they know that we are happy in the church. They help me through everything I am the Luckiest girls in my life. I have the best mother in the world who was there for me no matter what and I know that she is still here for me when I need her the most and I know that I can feel her with me when I need her the most. In times of need and in times when I am happy.

I have amazing friends in the world who show me support and give me strength when I need it the most. We have the best times and memories that I wouldnt want to change for the world. I know that I can go to them in time of need to talk. When I need to have a good time and forget about some hard time i have I know that I can go to them. They dont know how much they mean to me and how much I love them.. I am so glad that I have them in my life. They truly help me to be who I am today and how I stay so strong when I dont want to be strong anymore.

I LOVE EVERYONE IN MY LIFE!!!

what you get in the middle of the night

So I am sitting here watching P.S. I love you! I love this movie and this is not my first time and I am sitting here and she crying and I'm crying. Why do we have people in our lives and they are taken away so fast. I know there is a reason, but really I wasnt ready when my mom left me. and friends who arent really in my life anymore. I know there is a reason why they are in our lives and why they arent in our lives and we dont realize it for a long time after they are gone. I wish that some people who were a big part of my life were more in my life. I miss them a lot I feel like they never will be and it hurts because I still love them so much. but I know that they still are there and it my fault to because I dont make an effort as I should. Like the Peggy and Dan and their family I miss them so much and all the fun time we have. I know that they think about us as much as i think about them because when we do talk they always says that. but why cant we make that small effort to call them just if we get the answering machine just to say hello? why is it so hard?

Why do we feel so alone when we are not alone at all? I know we are never alone but when your in a room full of people and you still feel alone. I go through times when I feel like that I dont like it.

I need to stop watching chick flicks they just make me want a boyfriend,someone to share my life with but then they make me think deeper then I think I normally do on a every day basses.

day 4

Its been 4 days sense i have started no sugar, its been rough. I have had a headache for the past 3 days but Its getting better. Last night I so wanted to go get a milk shake but I didnt I just went home, and had fruit. THe hardest part is not to have bread but I decided to have one bread products once a day. $ days 26 days to go...

1st day without sugar its def hard but not as hard as i thought.... I did have bread for lunch but i def used a lot of sugar yesterday... I think i am off to a good start

So in Mathew i think it says to love you enemy, and that you hear to keep your enemy closer.Just to love everyone. We have always been taught this but there is someone who I dont get alone with at all I cant stand him and I just want to stay away from this person all that I can do. It is not like this person is a bad person just the thing they do and say. I am not trying to be mean when I dont like or hang out this them but for me its better I stay away from them much as possible or its not going to be pretty. I know it prob hurts their feeling I am not trying to be mean but for me I dont get along with everyone and no one does and they really get under my skin. But I know that I truly need to learn from the head guy and try to love him. I just did a talk about serving not only that but serving in the temple and we are taught as you serve people you start to love them. I need to be a better example to people around me and I need to put aside my feeling about this person and love them as Heavenly Father loves them by doing little service.

I am not one who doesnt care what people think more is they dont like me but this one person I really dont care.But I want to be a better person and an example to the people around me but also to my future children when or if something like this happens I can show them how they can love them as Jesus loves them and as Jesus love me.

SO Monday is a big day,I am doing a no sugar diet...pray i can do it...I CAN I need to put my mind into it. Itll be hard with the girls eating and I cook and going to activities with snack but Here I go just jumping right into it. thats the best way to go into the pool so why not this!!! updates to come

Emma

Its my best friends 21st birthday today!!!! when we were teens dreaming of when we are 21 or older and I def didnt see our life as single 21 year olds and still in connecticut!!!I love her so much we've gone through so much together.. I dont know how my life would be without my Emmy lou Jane Dingle!!! Love her so much!!!!

things

So I have been changing little parts of my life to get better. slowly as well, I started to going to the gym and eating better. I stopped drink Caffeine hard first but got easier. working on my sewing skills by sewing more. I have been thinking about going off sugar for 30 days. I want to but I dont know if I cant do it. I think i will try lets hope it goes good.

But on other news. I am so proud of my tough little Isaac. He is a little over a week old went through 2 surgeries within 2 days after he was born. He is the strongest person I can say I know. He is already home. When the doctors were saying 3 to 4 weeks in the hospital. The doctors after 9 days were like we are loosing things to keep him in the hospital. So he is home with the best parents I know. My brother Aj is the best big brother anyone could ask for he has been here for me through everything. He is such a amazing day I hope to have for my kids. I dont think he left his side for the first 2 days unless he was in surgery.and Lisa has been an amazing sister in law. I love them so much. but we cant forget Emily and Eli two sweetest big siblings for Isaac who have been praying for their little brother for Heavenly Father to look after him and he did answer their prayers and so many other peoples prayers as well. I cant wait to meet my little fighter nephew.
My family might now be the closest but when we need support and love around. We might now all be together but you can just feel the love. I love my siblings. I am so greatful for them and their support for me.I know that no matter what they are always here for me and they would and will do anything and help me. I am a lucky girl.

SO i have been thinking more because I have been talking about it with friends how lucky I am that I am Mormon I have taken it for granted most of my life because I was born in the the church and pretty much have known it my whole life. That they guys are the sweetest guys you will meet but as most of my friends are lds and we are like he is such a jerk and all this stuff but really a "world" jerk is so much worst, a mormon jerk is like a nice guy that youll meet in the world. It is so true i will always now look at my fellow lds boys with more love and respect and dont get me wrong there are really bad mormon boys but I havent met one yet i have heard about a few but Its like well we will be smart. I am thankful for the Amazing men that the women raise in the church!

So i had pandora radio on with disney songs on and you'll be in my heart came on. So this song has always been a hard songs for me to listen to sense my mom passed away and Its been getting better and better with this song. I was putting my clean clothes away and this line hit me and I had to blog about it because its not like really anyone reads this.
You must be strong
cause I may not be with you***
But you've got to hold on***
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together cause

the ones that have to stars next to them. I never really heard about those said tell tonight and I love it because this is one of the last songs I heard before my mom died and its a great song for it as well and that line is just speaks to me. Like my mom isnt here with me but I have to hold strong and show people I am her child I am strong and she taught me so much in the short time we had together.

love you mommy always and forever

So some people annoy the heck out of me I read today about Mitt on fb and how he gave to the church hummane thing 4 million dollars and how that isnt really giving to charity because hes helping his "own" people in away and they give the money away to packet to people who dont need it. SHe just saying when she hasnt done work to see what they do. Thwe church is always one if not the first people there to help at many thing that happens and i think one of the last people to leave as longs as we still have where thing and we arent there to just help out other LDS people we are there for everyone and she saying how he needs to pay 13% to taxes well thats not a law he is paying the same amount as all the other rich people and your not saying anything abou thtem and I bet more of them dont give to charity or help anyone else they keep it for themselves and they are saying because of how rich he is and that he is LDS that he shouldnt be pres. thats crap to me. Some one else made a point how obama only gave 1% to charity. I feel like its their right to do what they want with the money they earn as long as its not illigal it should put to if he can run the country or not..I am not the smartest person in the world but if your going to back talk this then before you do. do your homework know the facts and dont get on one person cause and not the other wealth americans too

ok so i was thinking. We were taking about being perfect that things well the church things. but it goes for everything. I was thinking that your not perfect at anything you do. I dont want to be perfect because that means there is no room to grow. Also, I know people who only like doing things their perfect at well thats no way to live if
I did that i would do anything and life would be boring I love learning new things messing up and learning what I dont really want to do anymore. but are you really PERFECT at anything?
I dont really think you are because if you are that means that you mastered everything that goes into whatever it is and to me thats inpossible because new things come out all the time like cake Decorating a new skill you can learn or a new frosting or style comes out every coupld months if that. that means you are a genous and know what is coming out and find them before everyone else.

thinking

SO firday I was talking to my friends about how my dad started dating and how it really wasnt talked about it just happened all of a sudden and how i really didnt understand why and I couldnt stand it for a while. and still it bugs me that he is married to someone else like what about mom. what about my feeling about this its not like he is single and its just about him, you have kids shouldnt you get what they are feeling. I was watching a movie call Midway to Heaven and its about a guy who lost his wife and has a daughter she was a teen when her mom died. it was three years and he could really move on and his daughter was dating and pretty much engaged and he couldnt handle and then something changed and he started dating and his wife wanteed him to start dating he was a ghost to him and he wasnt ok with losing what they had together ]
it made me start thinking yes my mom was prob ok with my dad datin and getting married but I dont think she was okay with how he did it. he hide that he was dating at first then he hid that he got engaged tell he was ready to tell us. I would be okay with it but it want talked about I just felt how I felt didnt matter. If something happens like that when i have kids I want it to be talked about with them if they are young they are involved as much as he and her. I feel like if it me or my husband our kids matter their feeling matter.
my dad isnt really the one to just talk about things he never has there are things that it would have been nice to talk more about but ofcourse it wasnt talked about. Hes not the one who I really ever go to and talk to about life. I wish we did have a different relationship but its hard to change it I dont feel like we would ever have our old relationship back when we did talk and he was more then just my dad. who i talk to once a month if that. We mostly me have changed. I just hope that when i get married and have kids that I can change that with my kids that they know and feel like they can talk to me about anything that I can be there for them no matter what. my sisters and brothers I know that no matter what time it is and I need someone to talk to that they are there. I want to have that with my kids that not matter what time that i am there for them. no matter what time it is or what it is about.

random

So I am soo excited I am going to Utah in March to see my favorite family ever Aj and Lisa!!! and my new nephew Isaac! I cant wait to meet him! hopefully he will be strong for me to see him when i get there that the first weeks of his life he can push through some hard times!! and My sister and Dan are hopefully going to be there too!!! and Jane and Phil are getting married!!! who couldnt have asked for a better trip!
Talking about my brother I have always looked up to him not because he is taller then me but he is an amazing brother well at times hahah just kidding. We dont talk a lot but I know that if I need to talk or anything he is always here for me and so is Lisa and thats what I need! My brother always knows what to say to me when i need to feel better. And i havent really talked to him this past month but this past month they got news that is super hard for anyone to hear and they are had a hard time but He is thinkin so positive about everything, I know he is having a hard time but he is so strong!

So I have been going to the gym almost everyday this week. Thursday I did a class I don know the name but it was a class to learn how to relax through breathing and slow movement OH MY GOODNESS!! I was so relaxed in the middle of the class but I had so much energy afterwards it was amazing!!! I am doing that class every week. and the class yep youngest one there but the class was so nice they were like this is more then a class it is a family!! and the whole gym emma and I are one of the youngest people going here but its a great gym!!! It has a pool i love swimming but it also has a basketball court!!! YES!! when i saw that i was like where do i sign because really i love basketball!

Tell next time!

SO they says it takes 30 days to develop a habit and So I havent had caffin all month already so I am keep going I will not drink dr.pepper pepsi or any drinks with it in it!!! then maybe I will do no soda next but I havent really had soda either... and I am going to do boxing classes soon as I find a good one. and I found a place to do Zumba so maybe I get on that..

to do

so i was thinking of things I would love to do this year and i thought I would share
1. I would love to go live somewhere different even if its just for a year. nanny somewhere I dont know anyone.
2. get in shape
3. Try something new each month
4. Read a book each month
5. do a 5k and if possible do a half marathon one day
6. keep room clean
7. get things out of my life that i dont need anymore...shows stuff habits
more to come

2012

Its a New Years!!! I cant believe that its 2012 I feel like it was yesterday that i just celebrating the year of 2011 coming in Utah with Meghan and Tina at the insitute.
Now its 2012 and I am in Connecticut and i am nannying I feel like I am in a different place then I was a year ago I am not saying a better or a bad just a different I take care of three beautiful kids full time and driving a mini van. I have learned a lot in 2011 and about myself. I have to admit I want to get married I still do, but its not that much of I want it right now. I want to find more about myself became me before I get married.
That I can wait a while to start having kids. but I know now that I can do what I need to get done and run a house hold with three kids haha. but I am so greatfull. I have to admit I was always nervous/scared thinking when I get married I am running the house hold and I will prob work for the start and thats scary to me but now I know that I can do it.
I also know that the things I know I have always wanted when i was little are way more important right now to me then they have ever. I have dreams and I want to do them. I dont want to have all these dreams that when I am older I look back in my life and I havent done any like I would love to go to Chicago I would love to live there but even if I could go there and spend a week would be amazing. or to DC. DC is one of the coolest cities to me. I would love to be more comfortable with myself and with being single I hate going places a lone better, but people to go out to eat by themselves but I wont. I wont go to the movies by myself really I have done it once.


I am excited to see what 2012 has in store for me and see if I can knock some things off my dream list/bucket list this year!!!